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No answerThere are hours
Very bad hours
And there are moments
Even worse
Fractions of time
Corner of space
Where panic meets lament
Damage of mind
Damage of body
Endless repair
Endless wreckage
Think to scream, cry
But do not
River run dry
Pinching memories
Of lying hope
Mommy, fix it
Make it better
She cannot
Doctors paid for failure
I want to be furious
Smash, kill, destroy
What
Who
The victim is me
The violator is me
Repentance and sin combined
Hidden in shadow
Only silence
Insect pinned to paper
I decorate the walls

∞

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Submitted: April 12, 2008
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I hate myselfby ~idolhands

Traditional Art / Other

The title is exactly what I wrote once, many years ago, upon a mirror in my home. It stayed there a while. I’d forgotten that I’d done so and it didn’t matter much to me anyway, such a concrete fact of life I saw that statement.

Embarrassment, reflection, only came after my mother had apparently found the words. I hadn’t meant for anyone to. She’d cleaned the large glass off and replaced it with this simple note in marker. Nothing more complex or fanciful needed to be said.

Perhaps this really isn’t art. To me, it is.

These emotions are not unique, though not understood by those who’ve never felt such extended and deep self-loathing; who’ve never believed that God was punishing them for anything. This is what I learned, what I say to those who have the misfortune of understanding:

You do not wish to die.

You wish to live.

It is in the absence of life, which you feel so much pain.

God was not punishing me. I was doing that. God was in the moment that someone who loved me saw a bleeding wound and placed a band-aid upon it, rather than another scratch.

I struggle even still.

Maybe one day.
Maybe one day.

_{I share this in part because of a recent illustration by =MaRaMa-TSG which I colored, CatCF: R-E-F-L-E-C-T, colored. I felt if that artist could be brave enough to expose that, then I could this. I have only ever shared this story with one other person and now they can see the tangible form.

That is not all I have to say on the topic however, just...all I have to say at this time.}

_{GALLERIES
Stock | Line-Art | Fan Art | Burton Films | Sailor Moon | Convention Work | Pretty Boys | Hot Chicks | Original Works | Photography | Writing}

love 6 6

~~joy 0 0~~

~~wow 0 0~~

~~mad 0 0~~

~~sad 0 0~~

~~fear 0 0~~

~~neutral 0 0~~

~idolhands Nov 26, 2008

People like you consistently make me glad that I shared this, strangers even. And yet those who claimed closest friendship often were not there at such times, including when I posted this. So to me, we are less strangers, than they.

~IPickedMyPoison Nov 18, 2008

You are amazingly brave to have shared that. And, I give you great koodos for that. Amazing.

~idolhands Nov 21, 2008

Thanks. I enjoy doing fan art and stuff, but sometimes, I wonder where this sort of real viseral material -- the sort of thing art should stem from -- ends up? Sometimes I think I'm crazy for mixing it all together like this, but then I also think it really belongs.

~IPickedMyPoison Nov 22, 2008

I don't think there could be fan art without the artists take on reality. It's what makes every piece so interesting and so different.

But, I also commend you for having the guts to put this up. It's so "intimate" and not in the way I usually mean it. But, it also gives a real since of grounding to the rest of your art.

Besides, what would the world be without a few crazy people.. DaVinci, Benjamin Franklin, Picaso...

~idolhands Nov 24, 2008

I like you.

~IPickedMyPoison Nov 25, 2008

Hey, thanks... I like myself sometimes, too... :/

I like you, too.

~RoselleGreywood Sep 17, 2008

This made me cry...

You're lucky to have a mother like that

Don't despair, you're a wonderful person even if you yourself can't see that.

~idolhands Sep 18, 2008

Really, I am filled with gigantic levels of self-hate. Little in my life, particularly contact with humanity, has done much to remove it...but I try and yes, I'm lucky to have Mom. _{(although the way most ppl hate their parents makes me very unusual there too....guh.)}

~RoselleGreywood Sep 19, 2008

Nah the hating parents thing is just because that their parents probably aren't very nice or they themselves just can't appreciate their parents

~shino-tenshi Aug 26, 2008 Hobbyist Digital Artist

I need to stop neglecting dA because I miss out on special entries like this one.

While the actual scan may not be art based on today's standards, I believe that the heart-wrenching story behind it is what makes it art. Art is an expression of emotions in its purest form, and in other cases, exploration of a curiosity of those emotions. Well, that's what art is to me... even if a lot of my art is fanart, the emotions in the art are real. I trust you know what I mean.

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