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I hate myself by =idolhands:iconidolhands:


©2008 =idolhands
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Submitted: April 12
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The title is exactly what I wrote once, many years ago, upon a mirror in my home. It stayed there a while. I’d forgotten that I’d done so and it didn’t matter much to me anyway, such a concrete fact of life I saw that statement.

Embarrassment, reflection, only came after my mother had apparently found the words. I hadn’t meant for anyone to. She’d cleaned the large glass off and replaced it with this simple note in marker. Nothing more complex or fanciful needed to be said.

Perhaps this really isn’t art. To me, it is.

These emotions are not unique, though not understood by those who’ve never felt such extended and deep self-loathing; who’ve never believed that God was punishing them for anything. This is what I learned, what I say to those who have the misfortune of understanding:

You do not wish to die.

You wish to live.

It is in the absence of life, which you feel so much pain.

God was not punishing me. I was doing that. God was in the moment that someone who loved me saw a bleeding wound and placed a band-aid upon it, rather than another scratch.

I struggle even still.

Maybe one day.
Maybe one day.



I share this in part because of a recent illustration by ~MaRaMa-TSG which I colored, CatCF: R-E-F-L-E-C-T, colored. I felt if that artist could be brave enough to expose that, then I could this. I have only ever shared this story with one other person and now they can see the tangible form.

That is not all I have to say on the topic however, just...all I have to say at this time.

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~Ironside-Samhain:iconIronside-Samhain: Apr 13, 2008, 2:22:07 AM Mood: Adoration
Thats completely beautiful and heart breakingly sad at the same moment.
Loves always enough to bring people to tears though.
Its how it should be.

--
**~~ Radioactive Bionic Bunny Boi~~**
~RoselleGreywood:iconRoselleGreywood: Apr 13, 2008, 3:38:00 AM
I dunno how many other people are going to say this... or not say this
But I really do actually understand how you feel. <3

--
Dedicated member of :-
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*YuniNaoki:iconYuniNaoki: Apr 13, 2008, 5:49:39 AM
I think it's beautiful!
A mother's love in general is such a beautiful/unique kind of love:love:
As for life, I believe that life should be embraced and lived to the fullest every day :glomp:

--
:kitty: :star: Yuni-Chan :star: :kitty:
~yaoisex:iconyaoisex: Apr 13, 2008, 5:53:42 AM
This 'simple' note probably contains so much emotion in it...But the thought it brings to my mind is almost beautiful in way. <3

--
I will carve your heart out with a spork.
~ShovelDuct:iconShovelDuct: Apr 13, 2008, 7:24:00 AM
I love you too.

--
There's a screw loose somewhere. There's a leak in the tank.
~Taiman:iconTaiman: Apr 13, 2008, 9:21:27 AM
Wow... how is it that, every time you share your shards of life with us, you do it with so much subtlety that I'm always dumbstruck and direly in need of psychedelic/calm music? :) This is one of those simple things that, after some reflection, you can either cast away as insignificant or hold dear. I've come to understand something like what you were describing; except, I never believed what you believed about being punished - it was more of a strange solitude that I went through, where love seemed uninteresting. And, it's a very nice way of putting it: "It is in the absence of life, which you feel so much pain."
Once again, nailing my thoughts with words. :) Not many pieces really speak as much as this one: it just shows you don't have to be an artist to convey so much feeling.

--
Il pleut sur les jardins de Guermantes~
[link]

:love:
~hidingbehindglass:iconhidingbehindglass: Apr 13, 2008, 10:05:42 AM
hi there. :hug:

i myself have experienced those kinds of feelings-more often than i'd like to admit. :blush:

--
He envisioned a steamer so grand in scale, and so luxurious in its appointments that its supremacy would never be challenged. And here she is, willed into solid reality.
-Thomas Andrews, Titanic (1997)
~mikajka:iconmikajka: Apr 13, 2008, 12:09:28 PM
Such a... Wonderful thing to see at the end of the day, one of those when I think life is dying in me...

Thank you

--
I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior.If you do too and aren't scared to admit it, then copy & paste this in your signature. ^w^
~MaRaMa-TSG:iconMaRaMa-TSG: Apr 13, 2008, 3:08:12 PM
I've had this experience but from spoken words instead of written. Yet I felt the same you probably did just by seeing it and imagining it.(reason I couldn't write earlier) It's this "simple" things that make me regain control of my emotions when I'm horribly depressed. I have a marker board full of quotes and some have been told to me while I've been feeling down by people I care about. My grandpa, my former bf, Ray...

The one written one I have was a drawing I did of Ray hugging me and below it he wrote "I'll always be there for you...always."

It's why now, every time I get depressed I start thinking of those words and the hugs I've gotten or the kisses and anything my mind has recorded that's comforting and even while I cry I start smiling and often end up thinking. "You're fine, Mara. You're fine." Told by you.

Even if mom and I clash often and are at odds (Things have been calm lately) she has told me some very important words.

And that's how I learned, that despite all the pain and hurt I might feel often, there's still the simple things that make all the pain be worth it. And I focus on that.

--
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