[x]

No answerThere are hours
Very bad hours
And there are moments
Even worse
Fractions of time
Corner of space
Where panic meets lament
Damage of mind
Damage of body
Endless repair
Endless wreckage
Think to scream, cry
But do not
River run dry
Pinching memories
Of lying hope
Mommy, fix it
Make it better
She cannot
Doctors paid for failure
I want to be furious
Smash, kill, destroy
What
Who
The victim is me
The violator is me
Repentance and sin combined
Hidden in shadow
Only silence
Insect pinned to paper
I decorate the walls

∞

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At four years old,
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I hate myselfby ~idolhands

Traditional Art / Other

The title is exactly what I wrote once, many years ago, upon a mirror in my home. It stayed there a while. I’d forgotten that I’d done so and it didn’t matter much to me anyway, such a concrete fact of life I saw that statement.

Embarrassment, reflection, only came after my mother had apparently found the words. I hadn’t meant for anyone to. She’d cleaned the large glass off and replaced it with this simple note in marker. Nothing more complex or fanciful needed to be said.

Perhaps this really isn’t art. To me, it is.

These emotions are not unique, though not understood by those who’ve never felt such extended and deep self-loathing; who’ve never believed that God was punishing them for anything. This is what I learned, what I say to those who have the misfortune of understanding:

You do not wish to die.

You wish to live.

It is in the absence of life, which you feel so much pain.

God was not punishing me. I was doing that. God was in the moment that someone who loved me saw a bleeding wound and placed a band-aid upon it, rather than another scratch.

I struggle even still.

Maybe one day.
Maybe one day.

_{I share this in part because of a recent illustration by =MaRaMa-TSG which I colored, CatCF: R-E-F-L-E-C-T, colored. I felt if that artist could be brave enough to expose that, then I could this. I have only ever shared this story with one other person and now they can see the tangible form.

That is not all I have to say on the topic however, just...all I have to say at this time.}

_{GALLERIES
Stock | Line-Art | Fan Art | Burton Films | Sailor Moon | Convention Work | Pretty Boys | Hot Chicks | Original Works | Photography | Writing}

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~KatherineMortez Jan 30, 2013

This is beautiful art, I have also struggled with the same. Wanting at some points to stop myself from breathing only because I lack air.
Thank you for sharing!

~breezybrutality Dec 10, 2012 Hobbyist Writer

This reminds me of my mother so much. I don't get to see her often but it's her completely understanding and open heart that make me so home sick.
I'm crying now, you're mother is beautiful and so are you. I hope you can pass those words onto everyone you find suffering from the understanding.
Thank you for sharing this♥

~IrkenInvaderMaz Jan 28, 2012 Hobbyist

this makes me cry.

~InsaneLullabye Feb 1, 2011

thank you for sharing this

~oliveart Dec 10, 2010

(: thats so sweet how you have amom to do that for you..if my mommy was back i wud hug hereverysecond tomake sure she wudnt leave ever again

~LyennaMoon Nov 16, 2010

This is art. It is most certainly one of the most beautiful things I've seen on dA.

~MaRaMa-TSG Nov 4, 2010 Hobbyist General Artist

Dunno if you're still around but... I really needed to see/read this again.

~VikkiVenom Aug 6, 2010

Wow.

!Shiva-Zephyra Apr 30, 2010

I love you too. I always did, too. No more than that, but still, I think of you a lot. I know I can't do very much from here but consider yourself hugged. And, just so you know, you're not alone, and I believe in you.

!Shiva-Zephyra Apr 30, 2010

No more than that of a good friend^ Sorry for the typo.

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