The title is exactly what I wrote once, many years ago, upon a mirror in my home. It stayed there a while. Id forgotten that Id done so and it didnt matter much to me anyway, such a concrete fact of life I saw that statement.
Embarrassment, reflection, only came after my mother had apparently found the words. I hadnt meant for anyone to. Shed cleaned the large glass off and replaced it with this simple note in marker. Nothing more complex or fanciful needed to be said.
Perhaps this really isnt art. To me, it is.
These emotions are not unique, though not understood by those whove never felt such extended and deep self-loathing; whove never believed that God was punishing them for anything. This is what I learned, what I say to those who have the misfortune of understanding:
You do not wish to die.
You wish to live.
It is in the absence of life, which you feel so much pain.
God was not punishing me. I was doing that. God was in the moment that someone who loved me saw a bleeding wound and placed a band-aid upon it, rather than another scratch.
I struggle even still.
Maybe one day. Maybe one day.
I share this in part because of a recent illustration by =MaRaMa-TSG which I colored, CatCF: R-E-F-L-E-C-T, colored. I felt if that artist could be brave enough to expose that, then I could this. I have only ever shared this story with one other person and now they can see the tangible form.
That is not all I have to say on the topic however, just...all I have to say at this time.
This is beautiful art, I have also struggled with the same. Wanting at some points to stop myself from breathing only because I lack air. Thank you for sharing!
This reminds me of my mother so much. I don't get to see her often but it's her completely understanding and open heart that make me so home sick. I'm crying now, you're mother is beautiful and so are you. I hope you can pass those words onto everyone you find suffering from the understanding. Thank you for sharing this♥
I love you too. I always did, too. No more than that, but still, I think of you a lot. I know I can't do very much from here but consider yourself hugged. And, just so you know, you're not alone, and I believe in you.
Thank you for sharing!
I'm crying now, you're mother is beautiful and so are you. I hope you can pass those words onto everyone you find suffering from the understanding.
Thank you for sharing this♥